The Five Biggest Badass Popes

It used to be that to become pope, you had to sit pantsless in a horseshoe-shaped chair and let a couple of cardinals see if you had the goods. If you passed, they'd yell "Testiculos habet et bene pendentes!" (He has testicles, and they hang well!) It's true, in those days it took balls to become pope.

Back then, the Papacy was reserved for the hardasses, guys you wouldn't mess with--the gangsters, the demon-summoners, the corpse-digger-uppers. Here are the ones we consider the biggest badasses. And, no, we didn't make any of this up.

Alexander VI (1492-1503)

Alexander VI blazed the trail for Biggie Smalls, Kingpin and Jabba the Hutt as obese badasses who didn't let their man-boobs and tendency to sweat while they ate stop them from amassing a huge fortune, slaughtering their enemies, and getting sweatily busy with the ladies.

Any story you've ever heard about crooked popes started with this guy. He bought the papacy with four mule loads of silver. He nailed Rome's most eligible bachelorettes. He made his 17-year-old bastard son an archbishop. He started wars, poisoned cardinals and took their money, and probably ate live frogs while feeding people to the Rancor.

His greatest accomplishment--as a host if not as a pope--was the Banquet of Chestnuts held in 1501. This sounds nice enough until you learn that the chestnuts were merely a pretext to have a pack of naked hookers crawling around the ground collecting them. But that wasn't the evening's only nut-related activity. Trained observers were present to keep track of the total number and quality of the party-goers' ejaculations. That's exactly the kind of information you need when a bishopric comes open.

Alexander's death was followed by further hijinks. His ham-stuffed corpse couldn't fit in the coffin and began belching sulfur. His successor forbade anyone from saying prayers for his lardy soul. Finally, almost 400 years later, he was reborn as Aleister Crowley (at least that's what he said), who shocked the world by ... taking a lot of drugs and drawing naked pictures of himself.

Pius II (1458-1464)

Pius II proves that appearances can be deceiving. At first glance, he'd seem to be in the running for biggest fancy lad in the history of the Papacy. He was a "humanist," which means that he read every bit of fruity Latin poetry he could get his hands on and then made ever-so-clever jokes about it with his similarly overeducated friends. Oh, how they giggled!

He seems like the kind of guy whose head you'd like to flush in a toilet, doesn't he? Well, it's a damn good thing you didn't try it, because Pius had a very powerful, very spooky man who was willing to do whatever the pope told him: fucking Dracula. Seriously.

You see, Pius had Turk problems. The Ottoman Empire was invading various European countries, taking Christian children from their families and subjecting them to strict training in order to create an army of super-soldiers (yes, really). Drastic action was called for.

Pius wrote a letter to Vlad III Tepes, aka Vlad the Impaler, aka Vlad fucking Dracula, a guy so bloodthirsty his name became synonymous with "vampire."

Hey, did we mention Vlad impaled about 30,000 people on huge-ass spikes? When Pope Pius took "drastic" action, he didn't fuck around.

In spite of the overwhelming odds--thousands of fanatical super-soldiers versus whatever mustached Wallachian turnip-farmers Vlad hadn't gotten around to impaling yet-- Vlad took on the Turks and even sort of won.

Whatever quality Pius had that caused Vlad the Impaler to put his own Transylvanian ass on the line to do his bidding, it makes him one of history's best-disguised badasses. The lesson: Resist the urge to assault the next tweedy little sissy you see reciting something in elegiac couplet, because it's quite possible that he has an undead bloodsucking fiend watching his back.

Honorius III (1216-1227)

Honorius III would seem to be one of hundreds of relatively uninteresting popes who fill in the years between the badass ones. But, like a furry with an erotic squirrel costume so convincing that against all odds it gives you an erection, Honorius was one of those guys who was so good at something lame that it actually made him a badass.

In this case, Honorius was so pious that the temptations of this world were too easy for him, so he routinely summoned demons just to challenge himself. He even wrote a book about it so that your local parish priest could test himself against the denizens of the netherworld by opening some kind of flaming portal to hell.

After a hard day of "reforming the clergy" (i.e., forcing them to be as unlike Alexander VI as possible), the meek and saintly old man retired to his chambers. His lackeys no doubt thought he was busily devising new ways to bore the hell out of them. Actually, he was drawing pentagrams on the floor and interrupting the slumber of various imps, cacodemons and even the final boss of his spiritual exercises, the terrifying spider mastermind.

What could be more frustrating for the demons? When one of these monstrosities is forcibly brought to the earthly realm, at least it usually gets to disembowel someone; depending on the skill of summoner, either the wizard's enemies or the wizard himself.

How do you think they felt when they came face to face with a bossy and spiritually invincible pope? "God be with you, my cacodemon. Now, do my dishes. After you're done, you can help yourself to a hard candy from the dish and then go back to hell."

Stephen VI (896-897)

Once he was ensconced on the throne, Pope Stephen VI decided to right some old wrongs. Previous Pope Formosus had committed some technical infractions, the kinds of minor crimes most popes we know would have let slide, especially considering the man was dead. But, not Stephen.

Consumed with an unquenchable thirst for justice, he had Formosus dug up, dressed in his papal vestments and seated on a throne, to face the music in a formal trial.

We like to imagine that it was like one of those Law & Order scenes where Jack McCoy starts yelling at a defendant, his eyebrows flying around like pissed off weightless caterpillars while the guilty bastard sits on the witness stand stunned into silence. Being as he was without an attorney and dead, all Formosus could do was sit there in his finery, perhaps letting a chunk of himself fall to the floor in silent protest.

Formosus was found guilty on all charges, of course, though the trial hardly seemed fair. The dead pontiff's only defense was mounted by a cleric kneeling behind his throne, who answered Stephen's seemingly rhetorical questions ("Why did you usurp the papacy?") by explaining, "Because I was evil!" Historians do not relate whether the cleric set up a pulley device to make Formosus' jaw move up and down while he spoke for him, so we must assume that he did.

It's a testament to our lax and dissolute times that Stephen is now considered the bad guy in this story.

Sergius III (897, 904-911)

Take Stephen and add about three inches of cock and you've got a pretty accurate idea of Sergius. The only pope badass enough to be forcibly removed from the office and take it back. His seven-year reign left the landscape littered with corpses and papal bastards.

Sergius was first elected in 897, but Rome clearly wasn't ready. Perhaps the nut-check chair's hole was too small. Whatever the reason, he was expelled by force and excommunicated by various factions of player-hater. While Sergius sat at home and stewed, the papacy was fought over by a bunch of guys who were about to find out what it is to get pimp-slapped by history.

Realizing that what was needed was stability through the accumulation of dead bodies, the folks running things in Rome invited Sergius back to his rightful throne. The new and former pope embarked on a program of governance that combined the best aspects of the first 100 days of Franklin Roosevelt's presidency and the end of The Godfather. For starters Sergius:

1. Had his predecessor, the Antipope Christopher, strangled in prison.
2. Had his predecessor's predecessor, Leo V, strangled in prison.
3. Set about impregnating a prominent Roman noblewoman with the future Pope John XI.
4. Completed the legacy of his mentor Stephen VI by re-digging up poor old Formosus, trying his dead ass again, and beheading him.

A warning to aspiring young mediums: Do not invite Sergius III to a séance. There is no doubt that his spirit will snap your neck like a celery stalk and then proceed to make time with your lady. Just a word of caution.

5 Mental Disorders That Can Totally Get You Laid

We don't want to make light of mental disorders or its sufferers, but you have to admit sometimes a person can be just mentally ill enough to be cool. After all, chicks totally dig troubled guys.

Now, when we say "troubled," we're not talking about that one naked dude on the subway who constantly masturbates and can only talk in machine code. No, we mean the complex and difficult soul, present in 70 percent of Oscar-winning movies, who spends two hours battling against his inner demons while being submerged up to neck level in pussy. You can be that guy, if only you’re lucky enough to contract an inconvenient and traumatic brain condition.

Here are 5 such disorders that might just be cool enough to get you laid.

Foreign Accent Syndrome

This very rare condition arises as a result of a stroke or head trauma in which the brain's speech center is damaged, causing the sufferer to regain consciousness with a totally different accent. In addition, some people pick up a "bizarre intonation." We're not sure what this means, but we're guessing it's how you would sound if you tried to have a conversation while being enthusiastically fellated.

Will it get me laid?
Foreign accents immediately make you more interesting and exotic to the opposite sex, even if you're a fat, balding IT tech with a cubicle papered in Battlestar Galactica posters. The trouble is, you don't know which accent you're going to get. Some (Irish, for example) are business-class tickets to vaginatown, whereas others make you want to claw your own ears off and then eat them.

You could get lucky, like the lady who woke up speaking a strong Jamaican patois. Or, in a chilling worst-case scenario, you might end up like the woman who regained consciousness thinking she was French.

Jesus.

How do I get it?
From the cases we found online, the primary cause seems to be falling off motorbikes. As you'll see throughout this list, if our research is reliable--and we have no reason to suspect that a cursory scan of Wikipedia could be anything else-- then approximately 90 percent of interesting mental disorders happen this way. So, if you're in the mood for a change, and you're the kind of guy who likes fun surprises, just ride your bike into a truck and see what you wake up with.

Is it worth it?
Although some sufferers acquire specific dialects, most just end up with a "general foreign accent," which could make you sound like a brain-damaged Mrs. Doubtfire-type. Not sexy. However, the condition is usually short-lived, so go for it! What have you got to lose?

Ok, don't go for it.

Alien Hand Syndrome

It's otherwise known as Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, which should give you an idea of its symptoms. One hand appears to act independently of the rest of the sufferer's body, performing complex actions that are often in direct opposition to the person's intention. Your right hand, for example, might shake that of your girlfriend's father, while your left hand reaches around and gives him a cheeky pinch on his buttocks.

Due to its willfulness, sufferers tend to associate the hand with a specific personality, which is usually that of a total fucking dickhead.

Will it get me laid?
For a shy person, a rogue hand is an invaluable gift. Say a girl has been throwing you some subtle "bone me" signals that you've been too damn introverted to notice or believe. But your hand has noticed, and you watch in awe as its response leaves absolutely no room for doubt in the girl's mind that you are interested in commencing intercourse. To clinch the deal, you can now give her a line such as "Hey baby, do you know what my hand will be doing in 20 minutes? (cock eyebrow suggestively) Me neither!"

If that doesn't work (and let's face it, possessed limbs are often not the best judges of subtle moods), you've still got someone else's hand on the end of your arm. If you can persuade it that you love and respect it very much, and that your erogenous zone is not going to stimulate itself, you don't really need to get laid at all.

How do I get it?
Alien Hand Syndrome is caused by a particularly hardcore treatment for epilepsy in which a "doctor" surgically separates the two hemispheres of your brain. Due to its suicidal insanity, this operation can only be performed by a cackling madman in a lightning-lit castle at midnight. The lightning is important; on clear nights, a nurse is employed to switch the main light on and off really quickly.

Is it worth it?
It's your call. While the condition is rarely fatal, it can be very inconvenient. Are you a teacher? Better be careful. It only takes a few instances of "I swear it wasn't me! It was The Alien Hand" before the parents' association pays to have you arrested with unnecessary force. On the upside, you'll most likely get laid in prison.

Stendhal's Syndrome

Stendhal's Syndrome is a psychosomatic disorder that strikes when a person is exposed to too many beautiful or powerful objects in too short a space of time. Symptoms range from dizziness to full-blown psychosis. It can be triggered by famous works of art, areas of natural beauty and even entire cities; hence Jerusalem Syndrome ("Holy shit, I'm standing exactly where The Messiah once stood!") and Paris Syndrome ("Holy shit, I just paid $14 for a cup of coffee!").

Will it get me laid?
Without a doubt. The problem with most of these disorders is that you actually need to have them in order to reap their benefits. With Stendhal's Syndrome, you merely need the object of your arousal to think you have it. Just mention to your quarry that you suffer fits of dementia when exposed to overwhelming beauty, then look at his/her face and immediately crash convulsing to the floor, gibbering and foaming at the mouth. Maybe give the ground a couple of headbutts and chew off a portion of your tongue. Who isn't going to fall for that?

How can I get it?
If you want to experience the syndrome, Florence is the place to go. The author who it was named for, Stendhal, shat his mental gasket there in 1817 after spending too long staring at the Santa Croce frescoes. According to his memoirs, "Absorbed in the contemplation of sublime beauty ... I reached the point where one encounters celestial sensations ... I had palpitations of the heart...Life was drained from me," which makes you feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to mop the floor afterwards.

Is it worth it?
Oh, totally, guy. Aside from being retardedly romantic, Stendhal's Syndrome is also the only affliction on this list that can get you laid without you actually having it. If you're the honest sort who insist on really getting the disorder, the worst you'll have to suffer through is a trip to some grand city that will overwhelm your senses, which could also be accomplished by finding one of those 108-inch high-def TV's and popping in a Blu-ray disc full of boobs. Neither one sounds that bad.

Walking Corpse Syndrome

Walking Corpse Syndrome, otherwise known as Cotard's Syndrome, is a rare disorder in which the sufferers are convinced that they have died or otherwise ceased to exist. It was first described by neurologist Jules Cotard in 1880, but was only given scientific legitimacy in April 2007 when it featured in an episode of Dinosaur Comics.

Will it get me laid?
Not a lot, but there's a definite niche market opportunity here. You're a corpse, but you're still warm, which would make you extremely attractive to rheumatic necrophiles. If you made an ad on NDATE saying "I'm sprawled on my warm, comfortable sofa feeling dead and horny," you'd have sex-starved goths battering down your door.

How do I get it?
Cotard's Syndrome usually arises as a result of some other mental illness, but it can also be caused by brain injury. One victim developed the syndrome after (you guessed it) a motorcycle crash. His mother took him to South Africa to recover, where he was convinced that he had instead been taken to hell. He arrived at this conclusion after noticing that everything had suddenly got hot, suggesting that Cotard may also be an abbreviation of COmplete reTARD.

Is it worth it?
The syndrome is associated with chronic depression, and the only conclusive cure is a heavy dose of electroconvulsive therapy--presumably to convince you that it's probably not heaven if "Jesus" keeps repeatedly tazering your head.

Synesthesia

For synesthetes, the stimulation of one sense causes the automatic stimulation of another, resulting in the ability to taste shapes, see music and countless other variations. One synesthete may perceive each letter of the alphabet as a different color; another may have entirely separate smells for each year in the calendar. So to that person, 1996 has a pleasant apple-like fragrance, whereas 1983 might smell like dicks.

Will it get me laid?
This is the motherlode, baby. Synesthesia has long been associated with high levels of creativity, and everybody knows that chicks get some heavyset boners for creative guys. Justin Chancellor from Tool has the condition, and he requires a snow plow to clear his driveway of boobies every morning. Richard James from Aphex Twin perceives music as color, and girls perceive him as a walking penis. Pharrell Williams is the geekiest synesthete on the planet, yet as soon as he opens his front door, the sky above him is instantly filled with flocks of detached female underwear engaged in an urgent crotch-to-face migration.

How can I get it?
It's mainly hereditary, but you can trigger it if you overdose on psychedelic drugs. It can also be brought on as a consequence of deafness, or after a stroke. Basically, just go to a Tool concert. It is not necessary to be riding a motorbike while you do this, although that would be pretty fucking cool.

Is it worth it?
Synesthesia is more common than you think--up to one in 23 people have it-–and it's largely harmless, although there can be a risk of sensory overload. In one form of synesthesia, every written word evokes a different taste, which can be distressing if you can't read your own mother's name without getting a mouthful of dog vomit and sprouts.

The 7 Most Terrifying Celebrity Transformations

Robert De Niro and Christian Bale were widely praised for gaining and losing disgusting amounts of weight for roles. These seven celebrities have undergone equally terrifying changes to their appearance, only without anyone paying them to do it.

#7.

Janet Jackson

In 1986, everything was right with the Jacksons: Michael was a year away from releasing Bad and sister Janet had just released the album Control. She also happened to be incredibly good looking, and with song titles such as "The Pleasure Principle," "Control" and "Nasty," the album seemed to suggest Janet was some kind of child-prodigy dominatrix. She insisted we call her Ms. Jackson, and as a nation we said, "Yes, ma'am ... you're over 18, right?"

In 1993, Janet peaked when she appeared topless on the cover of Rolling Stone, looking phenomenal.

In 2000, the photo was named the "Most Popular Cover Ever," proving the theory that breasts are something of a crowd pleaser. And, just in case anyone hadn't seen her sweater puppies the first time around, Janet would give America another opportunity in 2004, this time in full-color.

Keep in mind she was close to 40 during that infamous Super Bowl performance. No matter how old you are, when you're getting to second base on national TV with hands that will soon squeeze the chestaloupes of Scarlett Johannson, Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel, you are hot. But a mere two years after that Super Bowl performance, Janet Jackson looked like she'd be making her next Super Bowl appearance as an offensive lineman.

Of course, our real reason for tracking these changes is to make us feel better about ourselves, since Janet seemed determined to assume the shape of the average Cracked staffer. But when it came time to do a movie (Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?), she snapped her fingers and magically looked like this again.

How do they do that?

#6.

Jenna Jameson

If you're an American male, you either know who Jenna Jameson is or you're a fucking liar. Sure, everyone's a "star" in porn, but she was a star with a capital T-I-T-S. She is arguably the most popular porn actress, ever, and since 1996 she has appeared in more dorm rooms than math. That might be because she looked like this:

As recently as 2006, Jameson was still plenty attractive to continue winning awards for her, ahem, acting. But, despite her unprecedented longevity and entrepreneurial success, you don't have to be Larry Flynt to know that 10 years of pornographic success is unheard of, and there's a reason for that. It was only a matter of time before the industry took a toll on Jenna, and from the look of things that toll was taken with a two-by-four:

Someone could have made a lot of money betting that one day photos of Jenna Jameson could be used to prevent masturbation. We suppose we should have seen it coming; after all, she works in the only industry where you run the risk of carpal tunnel syndrome in your jaw. We can't help but feel bad for her; she's fallen so far she now looks like a girl who would actually talk to us.

Please, don't pretend you wouldn't jump at the opportunity, guys. Every time you're out with the guys it'd be, "Yeah, I'm dating this girl. Maybe you know her. She's Jenna Jameson." The last two words would be spoken loud enough to be heard from a quarter mile away. That's where the fun would end, however, because you'll be coming home to a leathery woman who will not, under any circumstances, be impressed by your penis.

#5.

Vince Vaughn

Watching the fluctuations in Vince Vaughn's sex appeal is like being a toddler watching the tides. You watch an entire ocean grow before your eyes and then watch all that water magically disappear! Where did it go??? And, here it comes again! After a while you realize it happens twice a day, shrug, and just take it for granted.

In 1996, Swingers introduced Vaughn as the smooth, fast-talking "T," who inspired a nation of assholes to tell each other, "You're so fucking money and you don't even know it."

Now, here he is four years later, looking like the Greek God of Hangovers.

Tabloids reacted with shock at first, but no matter how bloated and rundown he looked off set, he always managed to look decent enough by the time the cameras started rolling. For instance �

Vince, looking good again in 2001 ...

Vince in 2005 ...

Vince that same year ...

And then last year ...

And, so on. It's impressive if you think about it: He may never regain the aerodynamic physique he had in Swingers, but in a single year Vaughn can go from being handsome enough to make the cover of Men's Journal to looking like someone wrapped a dress shirt around a water bed, and back again.

#4.

The Olsen Twins

In Sep 2003, Rolling Stone featured a cover story on the Olsen Twins, calling them "America's Favorite Fantasy." This was the cover shot:

While somewhat true, the full title should have been "America's Favorite Fantasy Even Though We Get Kinda Uncomfortable if We Think About It for Too Long." Remember, enjoying an Olsen Twin fantasy required one to simultaneously ignore the fact that they were a) seventeen, and b) sisters. (We usually managed by setting the scene in a utopian future with advanced cloning techniques and laissez faire attitudes towards the age of consent.)

Taboos aside, most American men were looking forward to June 13, 2004, the twins' 18th birthday, to be celebrated with hours of dirty jokes involving the Olsens and Doublemint Gum. The Olsen twins were always thin, but over the next several months Mary-Kate developed a hollow appearance as she struggled with an eating disorder and Ashley was attending NYU, where an upper-class liberal arts education left her with a vacant, waxy expression on her face.

America's Favorite pair of chopsticks. What makes it worse is that it's constantly forcing us into this awkward conversation:

"Man, look at the Olsen Twins now!"

"I know! Anorexia strikes again!"

"Yeah! They were so much hotter when..."

(Awkward pause)

"What?"

"When... you know."

"When they were children?"

"What? No! Not at all!

"Why don't you have a seat over here."

#3.

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith became such a circus in her last few years that people forget the good parts. For instance, when Anna Nicole Smith was hot, she was HOT. She was on the cover of Playboy twice, followed Claudia Schiffer as the spokesmodel for Guess? Jeans and was compared to Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield. (If you don't know who Jayne Mansfield is, ask your dad, but not in front of your mom.) This is what Smith looked like at her prime in 1994:

She succeeded in a world of rail-thin models, saying once that her diet was "Fried Chicken." Imagine coming home to a woman like that lying next to a bucket of the Colonel's extra crispy. There are men who would give millions of dollars and the last few years of their life for that sort of thing. Fortunately for Anna Nicole, she met one of those men at a Houston strip club: billionaire J. Howard Marshall, when he was a vigorous 86 years young.

Now, what happens when you take someone who really likes fried chicken and remove their desire to work? Anyone? C'mon, Missouri, think! You know this!

That's right. They tend to let themselves go a bit. Here's Anna in 1996:

That's what happens when a Playmate decided, "Hell, yeah, I'm RICH! I'm going to Applebee's!"

She followed this up with an equally scary weight loss using what were almost certainly unhealthy means:

We all know how Anna Nicole's story tragically ends. It really is too bad; as a sex symbol who's not afraid to eat, she could have almost been a role model for young girls, if we lived in some alternate universe where things don't always turn out terrible.

#2.

Tara Reid

Tara Reid's first entrance into pop culture was The Big Lebowski, in which her first line was, "Blow," shortly followed by, "I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars." When it comes to being hot, that's a Rookie of the Year performance, followed up by commendable sexiness in American Pie and American Pie 2.

While her choice of roles after that was questionable (Josie and the Pussycats, Dr. T and the Women) Reid stayed in the public eye through her reputation as a party girl, because it turns out that men have a soft spot for women who drink a lot. We enjoy the same activities, and impaired judgment is the Trojan Horse most of us need to have a chance with a girl who looks like this:

That was Tara in a 2004 issue of Stuff, right around the time she started making appearances on E's "Wild On..." essentially making her a professional drinker. Soon:

There's something bad in every pixel of that picture. If you're wondering what's wrong with her stomach, it's not a trick of the light:

Celebrity websites speculate she had some bad liposuction. We're speculating that it's a scar from when her liver tried to make a run for it.

#1.

Britney Spears

Everyone knows that Britney Spears has fallen a long way from her heyday, when she served as the best argument for making Catholic School mandatory. But what you might not realize is just how recently she was still a knockout. This photo was in the May, 2005 issue of Elle Girl UK:

When that photo was published, she had already been married twice and was probably pregnant. MILF! Yet a mere two years later, she was the poor man's Sigourney Weaver.

In Britney's defense, a shaved head only requires a momentary lapse in judgment. For someone whose impulses had previously led to a 24-hour marriage, being bald was a significant improvement as far as long-term consequences go. Unfortunately, there was more: for all the "bad" things American men wanted to do to her body, Britney had done much much worse to it...

She went from the hottest girl on the planet to looking like the rest of us. Though, if you think about it, if instead of a former pop goddess this was just the girl who worked in the cubicle next to yours, tell us you wouldn't be hitting on her.